Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
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Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore