me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
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We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
incredible text to wake up to
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
In case you needed to hear it:
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly