My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
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So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.