the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
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Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.