I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
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How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
Twitter is the new flypaper.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.