I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
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[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.