Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
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Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Not all heroes wear capes.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
Did my cat write this
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.