I know a bad idea when I see one.
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I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*