*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
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I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
me hooking up with my ex
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
“OMGJK” -atheists
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.