Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
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people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Facebook Twitter
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.