Sharon I have some bad news
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[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.