“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
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“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
the world’s most popular steaming services
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear