Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
You Might Also Like
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Hilarious if literal: arms race
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.