My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
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WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
#merica
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.