[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
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My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity