If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
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Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
oh you wanna fight?!
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me: