me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
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cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
All food is good if you spell it wrong
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me