What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
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GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”