I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
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Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Saturday
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?