I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
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If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Pringles
My whole life was a lie.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.