Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
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Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples