My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
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When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-