I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
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Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.