I told my vodka about you.
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[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
#milo
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!