If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
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If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Bike is short for Bichael.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
I’m awake but I object,
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.