CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
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I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.