The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
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“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
wut hotdog?
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.