I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
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[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.