Good morning
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“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
Human are so complicated
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”