DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
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ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.