Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
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You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.