Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
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I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
car not found
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.