“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
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Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit