Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
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HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade