I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
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If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.