Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
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A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
being a writer on Twitter:
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself