Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
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If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Thank you corporation very cool
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Ah yes. The three genders
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.