“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
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*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
(more comics:
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it