These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
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i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.