Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
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“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
This is so me 😂😂
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?