GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
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doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had