I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
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Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options