Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
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what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”