*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
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MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
choose your fighter
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
is there nothing we can trust anymore