ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
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(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
😲 WTF? 😆
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses