I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
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Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
good morning
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay