Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
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Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
it’s finally my moment to shine
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again