Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
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Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
thank god
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly