*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
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Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Yup
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
got so much cardio in today
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift