Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
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yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
Worst Native American name ever.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes